My greatest examples...

A few weeks ago I was asked to do a guest post on a popular Woman's Blog, Or So She Say's. I was totally honored and I did a post about my grandma's Homemade Donuts. The ladies at Or So She Say's really liked it and asked me if I would be willing to do another post. This time they gave me some topics and asked if I thought I could write about any of them. The one topic that jumped out at me was Marriage.

I had been thinking a lot about marriage recently. I think I have a really good marriage, but I've only been married 3 years...it should still be good...right?? I love my husband; he's my best friend. I can't image my life with out him. He makes me feel like I'm the most important person in the world and spoils me rotten. I hope I do the same for him. So the big question running through my mind; how do I make sure I feel the same way in 30, 40, or 50+ years?

I've had several experiences in my life with married couples who've been together so long, they seem to merely tolerate each other. Like they're still together because they have no other option. They seem to snap at each other constantly, with no reprise of love or tenderness. Like they're just a habit, a bad habit waiting out time. I'm determined not to let my marriage turn into a bad habit. I'm lucky though, I have a very good example in my life of a successful happy marriage. My parents!

So when I started to write about marriage I decided to use my parents as a resource; pondering and recognizing what they've done to build a strong, healthy and happy marriage. This article is dedicated to them. It will appear on Or So She Say's sometime in the next month. But I wanted to post it on my personal blog so It would be a part of my family journal.

When I was in college studying Early Childhood Development, I had a professor whose mantra was, “The greatest gift parents can give their children is to love each other”. I knew that was true then, because I was lucky enough to grow up in a home where my parents were very much in love with each other, and although they were far from perfect, the foundation of their love created a strong foundation for my life.

As I have grown, I have come to realize that having two parents that love each other can be just as beneficial in my adult hood as it was in my childhood. Now that I am married myself and working to create a strong marriage of my own, I often look to my parent’s example for guidance and direction.

I have to preface this with the fact that I am not a family counselor, a physiologist, or even a very experienced married person. But I have spent my whole life watching two parents who not only love each other, but have been through ups and downs, good time and bad and have always come out loving each other more than when they started. And not just saying they love each other; showing their love for each other in pretty much every aspect of their lives. So I thought I would share a few things I’ve learned from what has been my greatest example of a long and happy marriage.

Marriage is work!

My mom once told me, “When you’re married you have to wake up every day and decide, do I love my husband today? Most days that’s the easiest decision in the world to make…others, not so much! But yet still, you make the decision and work through what ever emotions, anger, or frustrations you’re feeling until the decision is easy again.”

I grew up hearing this and believing it, but it wasn’t until I was married myself and we had our first “big” fight, that I realized how true it was. So often we like to run from conflict, especially if it requires us to step outside our comfort zone and/or actually take a long hard look at ourselves. Admitting we may need to change or a willingness to help someone else change, can be one of the most difficult things we ever do, and it definitely takes a lot of work.

(I love this picture of my parents. It was a candid shot taken on my sisters front porch a few years ago. I love seeing my parents laughing and enjoying each other.)

Show your love…yes I mean PDA!

I don’t remember a night my dad didn’t come home from work, walk into the kitchen where my mom was making dinner, wrap his arms around her, give her a big kiss, and tell her that he loved her. It didn’t matter who was around or what my mom happened to be doing at the moment. I witnessed this pretty much ever day of my childhood.

My parents still hold hands, they kiss, they snuggle, and I know that after 40 years of marriage there’s still a spark…and that gives me hope! It has also taught me that public displays of affection are vital in marriage. Not the sloppy, disgusting type, but the sweet, tender unspoken declarations of love. Kids need to see it, even if they say, “eeww mom and dad”. They unconsciously love it and bask in it…even adult kids. But more important, your partner needs to see it, feel it and know…you’re still in love.

(This is another favorite shot. It was taken on a family trip to China. I told you, after 40 years of marriage, they still hold hands when ever they can.)

Adversity can make or break you!

My parents have had their share of adversity in marriage and in parenthood. But they have always pulled together instead of tearing apart. Weither it’s a troubled child, a sick family member, financial struggles etc…my parents rally together as a team and tackle each obstacle working together, not apart.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen my parents argue. I’ve seen them disagree and even get very frustrated with each other. But I’ve never heard them threaten divorce, I’ve never heard them scream, hit, or be physically or emotionally cruel to each other in any capacity.

Change is a good opportunity to reconnect!

I’ve watched my parents go through two major changes in their marriage. The fist one was when my dad retired from the military after 25 years. He then changed careers and my parents settled down in Rexburg, Idaho. I know this time in their marriage was a little difficult, as my dad struggled to redefine himself in the civilian world. The second was when they became “empty nesters” and they were once again sitting across the dinner table, staring at just each other.

In each of these scenario’s I have watched my parents come together, and redefine who they are a couple. The first year after all their children had “left the nest”; they decided to take a vacation together alone; no kids, no grand kids. They retraced their honeymoon, driving up the California Coast into Oregon. They decided then that ever couple years they would take a trip alone as a couple, just for fun! This year they are headed to Hawaii and although I’m a little jealous, I couldn’t be more happy knowing my parents still love to be together, by themselves, every once in a while.

(Having fun in Hawaii a few years ago...my parents love Hawaii! What's not to love!)

Sacrifice is key!

My mom is terrified of water. She has never been much of an outdoor’s person, a huge risk taker, or adventure seeker. But she married an Air Force pilot, who loves to hunt, fish, camp, raft, swim, and travel. In other words, my parents are very different. But that has never slowed them down or come between them. I have watched them support each other in their hobbies and interests and sacrifice their own desires in order to make the other happy. Over the years they have come to not only to accept, but love several of each other’s interests.

(One of their favorite shared interests...time with their grand kids! On top of being wonderful parents they are the most fun grandparents in the whole world.)

These are just a few of the many things I’ve learned from watching my parent’s marriage. The older I get and the longer I’m married, I realize just how valuable their example is to me, and those around them. I hope to emulate their path and teach my children, by example, the secrets to a long and happy marriage.

~ Mindi